Signs of an Unhappy Relationship: And What to Do About It

As a relationship therapist, I often get asked if I feel like a partnership is going to last or if it has come to the end of some relational line of existence. It is never as concrete of an answer as I believe people are wanting in those moments, but it is clear that if the questions are being asked, the relationship and the partners in it, are hurting and need attention. 

Here are several signs that you are in an unhappy or unfulfilled relationship. These signs do not mean your relationship is doomed for failure. They are simply reminders that if you do not tend to what is hurting or wounded, it will eventually lead to further pain and destruction. 

Signs of an unhappy relationship:

There is no fight left.

When a couple comes to me and tells me they never have disagreements and do not get into healthy arguments or discussions, it is a huge red flag to me. Fighting in a relationship is on a spectrum, ranging from unhealthy battles of the ego to healthy discussions of things that each partner has strong opinions about. When that spectrum completely disappears and the couple no longer has anything to ignite some healthy debate, it signals a loss of passion for each other and for the relationship.

Friends and Family Eclipse Your Partner.

When one or both partners only seek out family or friends for emotional safety and support, it is a sign that they have lost not only the desire to bring their deeper emotions to their partner, but that they may no longer feel safe being vulnerable with them. This is a sign of relational wounds that run deep and if left unattended can prove to be detrimental to the relationship.

Date Night? What’s that?

When a couple no longer prioritizes quality time together it is a sign of disconnect in the relationship. The couple either no longer desires to spend time together one on one or something else has become of higher priority to one or both partners. Relationships take work, and when something is important to us, we make an effort to take care of it. When that effort stops, it is a sign that your relationship is losing importance and value. It is easy to explain away time for the relationship based on life getting “busy,” but often times those busy things are distractions from what used to be a much larger priority in your life, your partner and relationship.

Drowning in Criticism.

When critical commentary or judgment outweighs intimacy, it is hard for a relationship to recover. You can see a couple drowning in criticism start to build resentment for each other or just begin to avoid each other all together. It is hard to feel joy in your relationship when you feel like you are constantly failing. This can range from broken patterns of communication in which you or your partner has learned to share feedback, or it can be messages of anger and resentment, either way it is a sign your relationship needs help.

Absence of Gratitude.

Feeling appreciated, feeling heard and feeling seen, are all important markers of an intimate relationship. When gratitude is lost and partners stop thanking and recognizing each other’s strengths and efforts, there is less motivation to continue doing the things you are hoping your partner appreciates. This often creates a cycle of disconnect and discontentment. If moments for the recognition of the other person are being missed or intentionally skipped, it is a sign that your connection is in need of mending.

Why do people stay in unhappy relationships? 

Fear.

These fears range from, fear of judgment and shame, fear of grief and loss, fear of instability, to fear of hurting your partner. All of these emotions are difficult and uncomfortable to face and often people have had little practice doing so. So, the thought of experiencing these or sitting in the discomfort feels intolerable in comparison to staying in something that is familiar, even when it is painful or void of passion and intimacy. 

Children.

It is incredibly common to hear the response, “I am staying for the kids,” when I ask people why they are still in their unhappy relationship. I think this is a message that a lot of people receive either from their family, our culture or broader society, that if you break up the home by leaving a relationship your children will be damaged. This is often times the opposite of the truth. If a person stays in an unhappy relationship, they are modeling for their children what intimacy looks like and what they will someday settle for in their own relationships. Also, if the relationship has turned contentious and there is high conflict, children suffer far more from the results of witnessing this than they do seeing their parents separate. 

Repeating Patterns.

Sometimes, people stay in unhappy relationships because it is all they know. If a persons parents had an unhappy relationship but never separated or repaired it, chances are that person will repeat that pattern. We learn as children from what is modeled to us. If throughout our lives that model never gets questioned or no one comes into our lives to show us a different version, then the pattern persists. 

How do you tell your partner you are not satisfied? 

Own Your Truth.

Take accountability for what you feel and share it with your partner as your truth. In any relationship, both partners are responsible in some way for its current state of being. Own your part and begin there. Recognize that this may not be the truth of your partner but that it does not need to be. Their perspective will be different from yours and that is ok, it does not change your reality and your truth.

Validate, Validate, and Validate again.

Share an abundance of empathy for your partners response to what you share. This is not an easy conversation and will evoke the same fears and pains in your partner that it triggers in you. Validate that and acknowledge the pain and vulnerability. 

Give Them Your Why.

Chances are, if you have a desire to tell your partner that you are feeling unhappy, you still have a strong commitment to this person and to your relationship. Tell them that. Validate the hurt that it may cause and tell them that they matter so much to you that the pain and discomfort is worth facing if it leads to repairing your relationship and reconnecting with them. 

How do you get out of a relationships you don't want to be in? 

Value Yourself.

If you are staying in a relationship that is unhappy or unfulfilling, you have to ask yourself where your own worth and value lies. When you choose to do something that you know is not the best thing for you, you send yourself the message that you are not worthy of more. When you begin to value yourself, the emotions that are involved in the loss of the relationship will be easier to face, as you know on a deeper level that the purpose in the exit is your self worth and self love. 

Seek Compassion for Your Partner.

Often times we believe in order to healthily move on from a relationship we must forgive our partners for all they have done. We set that as the ideal standard only to be met with failure when we feel like we cannot forgive. Instead, seek to feel compassion for your partner, in understanding that they too, like you, are human, and have had their own model of what it means to be a partner set for them by previous generations and experiences. When we feel compassion for another, resentment tends to fade and we feel more free to make decisions that come from a place of love versus anger. 

Seek Outside Help.

No one teaches us how to end a relationship, and often times we have a history of pain and negativity attached to previous examples of this in our lives. Find someone who can help you navigate this process, whether it be a friend or professional. 

Again, no one teaches us how to be in relationships. We are only gifted the model of relationships that came before us. You owe it to both yourself and your partner to figure out how to navigate the storms that naturally arise when you share your life with another. Seeking support in this will be the liberation you so desire. Reach out. You are not alone in this. 

If you are struggling with how to end or how to repair your relationship, please reach out, you are not alone.

Schedule a FREE 20-minute phone consultation HERE to chat about how we can support you.

Kimberly Ciardella, Psy.D. is the founder of The Path Wellness Center in El Dorado Hills, CA. She is a licensed marriage and family therapist and specializes in working with couples and individuals experiencing the challenges of infertility and the grief and loss from miscarrying. Dr. Ciardella works with determined individuals to overcome anxiety and low self esteem, along with strengthening relationships and mending old relationship wounds. She works with couples who are facing parenting struggles that are working towards prioritizing their relationship in the midst of the chaos of raising a family. One of her biggest passions is helping women who are struggling with reproductive health challenges including supporting women who are living with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD). Dr. Ciardella helps clients heal from past traumas in order to lead fulfilling and joy-filled lives.