Struggling with depression can drain us of our passion and fire, which can cause a disconnect in our intimate partner relationships. Not only is this a struggle for the partner experiencing depression but it can also feel completely overwhelming for the partner trying to support them through it.

What is Depression?

Depression can be a clinical condition and a mental health diagnosis that has criteria that must be met in order to be given. For example, to be diagnosed with major depressive disorder, or persistent depressive disorder, a person must have a certain number and combination of symptoms present nearly every day for at least two weeks or mildly present over the course of two years.

However, depression is also a symptom of many things we experience in life: grief, loss, trauma, illness, and death. It can also be a cyclical symptom that women/AFAB experience monthly around their menstrual cycle. In this way, depression can be a very normal human response to life circumstances. Knowing that there may throughout the course of your relationship be times in which your partner experiences depression, it is important to know how to support them through it.

And while it can be incredibly hard to witness, here are some things you can do as their partner to help navigate the journey.

If you are struggling to figure out how to best support your partner when they are battling depression, here are several tips you can follow:

1) Listen and Be Present: Giving your partner undivided attention when they are sharing with you is impertinent to them feeling supported. This means cell phone away, TV off, and other responsibilities put on hold. Listen without judgment or solution giving, reflect back what they are sharing, and be attuned to their emotions.

2) Allow Silence as well as Expression of Emotion: Let it be ok if your partner is not ready or does not want to talk about how they are feeling, do not try to fill the quiet moments. Although you may feel that you want to stop your partner from crying or sharing pain, it may be something they need. Make space for whatever emotion they are feeling without judgment or fixing.

3) Offer Validation: Your partner may be feeling a multitude of emotions that can cause confusion and disorientation. Validate what they are feeling and let them know that it doesn’t have to make sense and that you will stand by them no matter what. Validation is recognizing your partners experience, letting them know that you see and hear what they are sharing, accepting where they are and not trying to move them, and showing a willingness to witness their story.

4) Recognize When Your Partner Needs a Break: Recognize that your partner may need time to be alone. Do not be offended if they turn down your offer to talk or a lunch date. Understanding that and not taking it personally will allow space for your partner to take the time that they need. Know that if your partner feels distant during this time it is not because they do not need you, they need you more than ever. They need your support even if it is just to sit silently beside them. They may not reach out to you or want to process their emotions with you and that is ok, again that does not mean they love you any less. Depression can make you feel very raw and vulnerable and sometimes our partners feel distant because they are defending against their rawness.

5) Be Aware of Your Own Internal Reactions and Needs: You will no doubt have many emotional reactions as you support your partner through their depression, be aware of these things and find outlets for expression of them and other needs through alternative avenues (friends, supportive family, therapy, etc). Understand that your partner may not be able to be as emotionally available to you during this time. Remember, that this is most likely a temporary emotional state that your partner is in, and the relational dynamic will feel unbalanced until inevitable change occurs and your partner can move back into a more accessible space. Your ability to show up for your partner in this season will strengthen the relationship and allow your partner to show up for you when you are in a dark season of your own.

6) Encourage Your Partner to Seek External Support: You cannot be the sole source of support for your partner and it is important that they have other outlets and spaces to process what they are feeling. These networks of support can vary from person to person but may include resources such as therapists, coaches, spiritual guides, mentors, support groups, etc. Be gentle and kind in your encouragement and have trust that your partner will reach out when they are ready.

7) Remember that You are Not There to “Fix It”: While we want to shield our partners and protect them from pain, you cannot “fix” your partners depression. All you can do is stand beside them while they reconnect with and heal themselves. Remind yourself that it is ok to not have solutions, your support and love during this time is all you can provide, and that’s OK!

Struggling with what to say to your partner?

Here are some statements that can provide validation, support, and encouragement:

Validation:

“I can see how hard this is for you and I am here in whatever way you need me.”

“I can only imagine how (sad, lonely, helpless) it would be to feel this way.”

Encouragement/Praise:

“I am so impressed by your ability to push through this.”

“This would feel debilitating to me, I am amazed by how you manage to wake up and face each day"

"You are so strong."

Support:

“I will be by your side no matter what you are facing.”

“I love you and nothing you are going through right now will change that.”

“What do you need right now?”

Things to Remember

It is incredibly difficult to watch your partner struggle with depression. Many of the things that draw you to them are depleted by the symptoms of this struggle. Their passion, fire, motivation, and spark often becomes dimmed. This can drive disconnect and push you away from your partner.

One of the biggest difficulties is not getting reactions from our partners that we typically would. We tend to feel defeated when our attempts to support our partners are met with further isolation or sadness. It is important to understand that retreat is the nature of the beast that is depression, it is not a personal attack. Standing by and supporting your partner through it will only help them heal faster. Pushing them away or retreating yourself will only create more hurdles for them to overcome.

Remember that while you are supporting and caring for your partner, it is also important to care for yourself. You can burn out from exerting all of your love towards the battle your partner is fighting. So, DO NOT forget to turn some of that love inward and take care of yourself too.

If you are struggling with depression or struggling with how to help your partner through it, I hope you will reach out for help during this difficult time.

Schedule a FREE 20-minute phone consultation HERE to chat about how we can support you.

Kimberly Ciardella, Psy.D. is the founder of The Path Wellness Center in El Dorado Hills, CA. She is a licensed marriage and family therapist and specializes in working with couples and individuals experiencing the challenges of infertility and the grief and loss from miscarrying. Dr. Ciardella works with determined individuals to overcome anxiety and low self esteem, along with strengthening relationships and mending old relationship wounds. She works with couples who are facing parenting struggles that are working towards prioritizing their relationship in the midst of the chaos of raising a family. One of her biggest passions is helping women who are struggling with reproductive health challenges including supporting women who are living with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD). Dr. Ciardella helps clients heal from past traumas in order to lead fulfilling and joy-filled lives.

When Your Partner is Experiencing Depression: Ways to Provide Support